For the past month since I have been studying War, namely WW1, WW2 & recently the Vietnam War, I have had night terrors.
I am a young man amongst my brothers hearing bombs drop terrifyingly close. I am crippled & virtually paralyzed with fear. My heart races, but because I am alive, I don't even have to consciously choose to survive. I strive to follow my heart, my mind competes, my gut chimes in. Save Myself. Save Myself so I can save whomever else I can. I move. I have a telescopic vision now. I look ahead as far out as I can. I signed up for this among others who were forced. Still, we have the blood of brotherhood.
And I don't "want" war, but I am male & I am designed to fight if I must & I will. I will be brave. I will find another reason to be brave. I am a man! Some are dead & others are dying & there is no time for mourning. I don't even tremble at the deep resonance & shaking ground of gun fire & dropping bombs any longer.
I am in action. I keep moving. I have a purpose. I am a human, not a machine. I see human body parts not attached to bodies. Not that I have no compassion, I am compassionate. The passion is here now though. I am part of a team, a team on a mission & we believe we will win. Some... believe we will win. And, even if they don't, they give it their all, knowing their fate is inevitable.
I'm alive. I'm still alive & I run, duck & hide. I shoot back. The others are targets. Enemies. Less than human, but I know they are human. They have families. I will do my duty. War is a fact of life. I have been designed to fight. I am a survivor. I stand along side my brothers, and sisters even. Our women are valuable. None in the field. Most nursing the wounded.
For the war... against the war... war is war... I have no time to wrestle with right or wrong. It is what it is. I signed up. I pledged allegiance. And I know all the "enemies" of all time were also made of flesh & blood & bone, with a story of their own. I don't ponder right or wrong. I have to be outside the lines of it. We cannot do THAT to ourselves. We cannot go back in time & erase what has been done. We MUST integrate it all. Even if it's ugly.
So I sit now amongst the shrapnel & smell of blood & I dutifully collect my thoughts & I know... today I have survived. I have done what a billion men have done throughout history. I have fought. And I don't quite know exactly what I believe in. But I know that if I am able to integrate this experience, I will be okay.
I have an opinion. My opinion is... I signed up for this. Not this war in particular, but this Life. And during the course of this life I have gone into battle. From this I have suffered & from this suffering I have grown.
I am a female dreaming... that I am a male in a War. I wake up in sweats. I wake up trembling. I wake up crying. I know the soldier that I am in my dream. I know the men who fought, who fight... even if only in dreams. Because you see, dreams build countries, build worlds. I am not afraid to dream even the most frightening of dreams.
One thing I am afraid of is not expressing my experience. So I will share. And I do not know if war is necessary or should soon come to an end in our evolution, but I know humanity has problems. Climate Change, Overpopulation, Health, Obesity, Poverty. This is a Global Crisis.
I know the ones who will be brave enough to implement solutions are soldiers, warriors. And I have nothing but RESPECT for the "Mother Land" which is The entire WORLD & on it are her people. The Chosen People! WE ARE THE ONES who will Rectify what has been desecrated. The Sacred Shall Return.
We carry the seeds of a new crop of humanity. Ones who are more efficient. Ones who are not disconnected. Ones who are the result of the great need for Peace. WE ARE HERE. We are the Wisdom Keepers. We are hive minded. Our souls, hearts & minds connect.
The native people said many things as to the future of a people who would be ruled by corruption. It was easy for them to foresee the future of a greedy lust for the individual dream. Today what is required is a Collective Dream. First it starts with mutual respect. Especially for those we see as enemy, because those are the greatest teachers. And so it begins....
"Now you know how nice it feels,
Scatter good seed in the fields.
Life's ours for the making,
Eternity's waiting, waiting,
For you and me."
