Well well, I have finally figured out I am INSANE! I was wondering about that. Instead of sticking my head in the oven or taking cyanide I have simply chosen to commit... to AA. Well some of us, I found out are "Allergic" to Alcohol. Perhaps the Indian blood? Apparently it turns us into ego-centric know it all tantrum throwing loudmouths who make incredibly poor decisions. God bless those who can drink normally, but for me, I will keep banging my head into the wall, or crashing my car, or destroying whatever relationships I have that are semi-healthy. I can no longer operate a vehicle until who knows when..... so I am now dependent on my friends. And, my thumb, because I am still a bit headstrong & if I really need to get somewhere I will hitch a ride. This is not an invitation for some sick perv to lock me in his basement, I will carry pepper spray....
At least I am no longer ashamed to be considered an "Alcoholic"... because now... I can actually recover. There are many many things that we use alcohol to cover-up or accentuate. I am just learning these myriad reasons, but I wont hesitate to share. I'm not going to 'preach', or try to change anyone. I'm all about me right now. Who says it's not a good idea to be Selfish sometimes?
I have had a drinking problem on & off for 21 years. I quit using narcotics & cigarettes in the past, & I'm expecting this to be one more accomplishment I am sincerely proud of. Total Surrender is the only way. Knowing there are Many others who have come before me & are holding me up. The ones who's success's & failures paved the way. I'm also going to carry the torch....I'm going to die, but I'm not going to let some dumb addiction or some pity suicide trip be what takes my life.
~Sometimes WE GOTTA QUIT TO WIN~, and Saying no to abusing something that turns my life into hell, & being there for others when they are ready to say goodbye to hell....well it's one more good deed closer to getting the ever so desired wings I keep talking about.
I'm in it to win it. I'm gonna keep on surviving, more than surviving, I'll be THRIVING.
LOVE Me or Leave Me, you don't have to even LIKE me, but you know what? Aint NO WAY you can't RESPECT me, because I have been to hell & I came back with the Devils Hat! Now I'm putting it on, and sticking my Feather in it! Aint callin it Macaroni...HA! I'm calling it FREEDOM.
We all have High Hopes, but this time I'm not disillusioned and...
I'll be my own hero. I've got a lot of digging in the dirt to do to find all the places I got hurt. I've got to look at why my roots started rusting. And at this point I don't even care about trying to get a guy to fall in love with me. Yes it is probably what I want most in life, to have that "Healthy Relationship" my mother & father didn't get to have.. But fuck it, seriously, I'll just have a mad, passionate Love Affair with music & dance!
I don't see any of the loser guys I was interested in when I was a wasted fool getting off their ego-ic high horses & asking for help or getting their dirty asses clean & sober.... For themselves, for their offspring, or for Love. They don't give a shit. They don't care about themselves, let alone me.... I care about me. I... got my back. I.... am no longer going to seek the Love of an Elusive Man... or chase a figment... I'm only going to give myself completely Heart & Soul to Recovery & to Creativity.
I'd much rather dance than have to serve the beast, chained & tethered to that un-scratchable itch, that constant craving be it drugs or alcohol, or tobacco, or even sex or food or drama. Me, I'm going to serve the Good, I'm going to Get High Naturally. I'm going to dance until I Spontaneously Combust. I don't have time... like the Monkees-- to put anybody down!
So... to put it bluntly, Fuck off Alcohol-abuse, Fuck off Addictions in general & Fuck off Depression! Fuck off people who try to bring me down, I've beaten bigger foes than you! Have a seat while I.....
